Nothing is off the table.  When the integrity of the game is questioned, no idea is too drastic.

The umpires have become the story of baseball at the most important time of year.  They're completely inept, but there's no point in making fun of them, although I'm sure I will.  We need to help them, to hold them as Robin Williams held Matt Damon (Good Will Hunting) and said, "It's not your fault."

The game has passed them by.

First, we need to admit something.  They were likely never any good. 

Tim McClelland is 57 years old and he's been a major league umpire since 1983.  He is widely considered (including by me) to be one of the best umpires in the game.  Last night, he failed to notice that neither Jorge Posada and Robinson Cano were touching the third base bag when Mike Napoli tagged them with the ball.  Under rule 11A.C.Evenmymomknowsit, when you're tagged with the ball off a base, you are out. 

Also, he wrongly judged that Nick Swisher left third base early when he tagged and scored on a fly ball to center.  McClelland was well within his right to make the call if only HE HAD BEEN LOOKING AT THE PLAY!!!  Sadly, he was not and got it wrong.  After the game, he said that he called both plays right "in his heart."  Robin, we need that hug ASAP.

The beauty of last night's orgy of incompetency was that they were so bad they did not effect the game.  They cost the Yankees a run on the Swisher play, but no Yankees fan really cared because Swisher was blatantly picked off at 2nd base, except they missed that call too.

It's not their fault.  It's technology's fault. 

Once upon a time, baseball fans assumed the umpires made 99% of the calls correctly.  They were listening on the radio, how were they supposed to know?  TV ruined the game.  Now, we can actually see what's going on.

But it's only been the last decade, where we realized that this equation does not work: The games keep getting faster and the umpires keep getting older. 

NBA ref Dick Bavetta will turn 70 this year and he's tasked with keeping up with the best athletes in America.  Inconceivable (Princess Bride)!

The good news is umpires don't have to move much.  They are usually, although not always, in position.  But baseball has it worse than basketball because of technology.

Technology is the key. 

We have X-Mo, K-Zone and mic'd up.  

X-Mo slows the replay down so much that my 2-year-old nephew (Hi Spence!) would have called Swisher out on the pickoff play at second base. 

K-Zone is a computer program that calls balls and strikes based on the rulebook (toliet paper to an ump) definition of the strike zone.  The umpires are quick to say that K-Zone is for "entertainment purposes only" as in "Isn't it entertaining how awful we are at our job?"

Mic'd up gives us live sound from the umpires during the postseason.  So, we get tasty quotes like yesterday when the home plate ump told Mike Scioscia he could not see the inside corner because Mike Napoli is too tall.  Who needs an inside corner when you have an outside corner?  Honestly, if Napoli was a real catcher, he would have chopped his feet off to give the ump a better view.

I'm a solutions oriented guy, so let's try and solve these three problems.

In terms of slo-mo replays, let's use them to decide controversial calls.  It's a really new concept called "instant replay."  Managers get two challenges per game and yada-yada-yada.  I don't need to go any further because you all watch football, everybody does, and it was their solution to this same problem TEN YEARS AGO.  By and large, it's worked.

As for K-Zone, computers are better at calling balls and strikes in a uniform manner than people are.  The home plate ump should hear a beep in his ear if it's a strike and he can go all Frank Drebin (Naked Gun) on us and do his thing.  Tennis has incorporated technology better than any other sport, so somebody can take the commish to Melbourne for the Australian Open and preferably, leave him there.

This will never happen.  Bud Selig is a used car salesman from Milwaukee, so he's about as cutting edge as Dennis "The Beeper King" (30 Rock).  Without a computerized strike zone, the home plate ump should stand behind the pitcher's mound.  He could actually see the strike zone from that angle, which will be a nice change of pace.

Again, Bud Selig will never let any of this happen.  The Selig Plan: No more TV, only radio.